Pa needs to start stocking up on you, and it’s not because of the repetitive motion sickness he gets every week writing and reading this column. No, The Star announced this week that whale-watching season is underway in the Channel Islands, and you don’t have to be a “very stable genius” to know what that means on a choppy day. Pa remembers when he was a cub reporter in San Francisco and couldn’t believe some group was offering the media free whale-watching trips to the Farallon Islands. Being the typical broke journalist who wouldn’t turn down a colonoscopy if it was free, Pa hopped on that boat amid 15-foot waves and 30 mph winds. The Star’s story talked about unique ocean current “upwellings” that attract wildlife, but Pa can tell you the only upwellings he saw that day didn’t come out of a whale’s mouth. He thought that fancy trip was gonna be like some horizontal tasting of Napa cabernet, but the only thing horizontal about it was the direction of those human upwellings in 50 mph gusts. All of it was a solid conservative reminder for little, liberal, cubby Pa that there’s no such thing as a free lunch, or at least one you can hold down on the open ocean.
If you’re queasy about Ventura County’s latest crop report, Pa can calm your tummy. The report released Tuesday showed the overall value of county crops dropped 4.2 percent in 2016, but one reason why was a big drop in the amount and value of raspberries grown here, and there’s a simple explanation for that — people are just sick of the seeds getting stuck in their teeth. Pa thought this molar upwelling was only a problem for the horizontal row of nubs he calls teeth, but he brought it up at The Star Editorial Board meeting this week, and these fancy board members — unable to reach a consensus on the important issues of our day — all agreed that raspberry seeds are a dental dilemma. And Pa didn’t even mention the value of kale was down, too — that would have really upset everyone.
Pa’s periodic spewings about the recall drive against your fine mayor and City Council features an upwelling of cattiness this week. Mayor Tim Flynn challenged recall leader Aaron Starr to run directly against him, saying, “I do think he has really raised the stakes to where I can’t see how he can do anything else but to run for mayor.” To which Mr. Starr responded, “I really appreciate his endorsement. I’ll take it under advisement.” Ouch, that’s Pa-worthy snarkiness. Maybe we should send these two guys out on a whale-watching trip and see what else flies.
To Mensa International
If you can stomach him, Pa wants to nominate a new member for your high IQ society. Before he started denigrating Africa and Haiti with some highfalutin words that make George Will seem like “Dick and Jane,” President Trump did remind us that he “went from VERY successful businessman, to top T.V. Star … to President of the United States (on my first try). I think that would qualify as not smart, but genius … and a very stable genius at that!” Pass the Dramamine, please.
To yoga lovers
Pa confesses he doesn’t know much about your passion (was it created by a Jedi Master?), but he really thinks it’s strange that you’d let goats walk all over you while you’re horizontal. It seems “goat yoga” is the new craze, even with this caveat pointed out by a class provider in an Associated Press story last week: “Accidents happen. But we’re as sanitary as possible. … We have all the disinfectants and anti-bacterial sprays and soaps and all of that.” Welcome to Ma’s world, Yoda.